| Deep Thoughts |
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| by: Lendy Nelson |
| Some people are against drinking and there's only one thing to be said, If a man can't drink when he's living, How the Hells he going to drink when he's Dead? |
| Every day at this job forces me to add to the number of people that can just kiss my ass! |
| If I die and go to Hell, I bet the Assholes will have me relining breaks! |
| It's not the fall thats dangerous, It's how you decelerate. |
| I wouldn't cross the street to see that asshole if he was on fire! |
| I'm so forgetful that I'd probably lose my ass if it wasn't bolted on! |
| It's not alcohol abuse unless you spill your drink! |
| 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
| Just don't stand there, go away! |
| Anytime you drop a tool it will always role underneath to the exact geographical center of whatever you're working on. |
| Flammable and Inflammable both mean the same thing. You would think the assholes could have put that on the warning label. |
| "R" is for Rat! With balls this big! |
| I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look. |
| The best part about aviation is, everybody gets something to drive around in. |
| Hello Joes bar and Grill, Grill speaking! |
| Scream! You fine piece of machinery! |
| Call head quarters and tell them I said, ow! |
| All I want is a hotel room where I don't have to spend The first thirty minutes fixen shit! |
| Fuckem, feed em fish heads! |
| Put that in your pipe and smoke it! |
| The difference between drunks and alcoholics is, alcoholics go to meetings. Does this look like a fucking meeting to you? |
| Why do High Schools have reunions anyway? I mean, Why would I want to hang out with a bunch of sons of bitches I could not God damn stand to be around 30 years ago? |
| You can tell how a good a bar is by the amount of chicken wire thats keeping the drunks from killing the band! |
| If you can't dazzle em with brilliance Baffle em with bull shit! |
| I was once asked if I smoked after sex? To be honest, I have never looked! |
| No matter how far you push the envelope, it never seems move! |
| Were you born and Asshole? Or did you have some kind of special training? |
| 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day, coincidence? Or just good mother fucking planning? |
| If a horse a dear and a cow all eat the same thing, why does one make clumps, one make pellets and one make patties? Don't know? Then I guess you don't know Shit! |
| If it moves and it's not suppose to duck tape it! If it's suppose move and doesn't, WD-40 it. |
| AA is for quitters! |
| Anything that's worth doing, is worthing doing over! |
| If something doesn't work and it's suppose to, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. |
| Marry a girl with small hands, it makes your dick look big! |
| Exactly like that only different! |
| You have to be careful when eating southern cooking, If you get any of it on your head, your tongue will beat your brains out trying to get to it! |
| If the landing gear is down and locked, everything else is optional. |